A great man

With Father's Day just a few days away, I pause to think of and honor all of the great men in my life.  To start,  my amazing husband Bill who is an absolutely wonderful, loving father to our kids.  To my nurturing, carefree dad, Vaughn.  My witty step-dad Larry.  My caring father-in-law Bill.  My brother Josh, my brothers-in-law, the godfathers to my children and my son Aaron.  All deserving of special recognition this Father's Day. 

But there is someone missing from the list, and he's been missing from our lives for many years.  My Grandpa Stan was a truly virtuous, loving, helpful, soulful man that I cherished growing up.  Perhaps it was because we lived with my grandparents for the first year of my life, or the fact that I was the first grandchild, but there was always a special bond between Grandpa and I.  I remember running into the fields on hot summer days to bring him cold lemonade has he worked the crops.  There were sleepovers at Grandpa & Grandma's house where you'd hear his booming voice yell in and tell us to go to sleep because it was too late.  He was the guy I called to pull me out of the ditch when I made my first drive home from church in our standard car and failed to accurately judge the distance at the end of our driveway.  He's the rock I cried to when I was so scared to leave college.  There were countless fishing trips and hundreds (if not thousands) of fish we caught.  There was laughter.  There were so many great memories.  He was taken from us too soon, over 11 years ago.  It seems too crazy to think that he's been gone that long.  I still vividly remember the last time I saw him and spoke to him.  I remember as I was leaving a football party at his house and sat on his lap to give him a kiss goodbye and he said "Be careful".  And I said "I always am.  Love you".

Only a handful of times over the last decade plus have I dreamt of Grandpa Stan.  Not always is it a crystal-clear dream where I can actually see him or talk to him, it's always been more of a "feeling" that the person in the dream is him.  I am sharing a dream I had a few months ago.  It was clear and real and I think full of meaning and comfort.  To set the back-story, Bill and I had been invited last minute by some friends to go to the Kentucky Derby.  (Not that we are big race enthusiasts, but here lies the setting for the dream). 

I dreamt that I went to the  Kentucky Derby with 5 girlfriends.  We had 5 seats up in the "bleacher" section and 1 seat down in the premium level seating.  I was the one down in the good seats.  I was asking a Derby worker if someone from up in the bleacher section wanted to trade seats and move down so I could sit with all of my friends.  She was saying that it wasn't possible and that these seats were better and didn't I want to stay here and have a better view?  Well, there was a guy in front of me in a navy sport coat and a hat (like an old fashion hat with a feather?!?!?!).  The guy turns around so I could only see his profile and winks at me.  It was Grandpa Stan.  Totally, no question that it was him.   He stood up and gave me a hug and said "these ARE the good seats" and we sat and talked for ages.  Well, very quickly the dream turned to where we were all pulling into the A-Frame house where my grandparents lived (actually my Dad & Vicky live there now, but in the dream Grandma Fran was still living there) and apparently the whole family had traveled to the Derby together and were meeting back at her place to pick up cars.  All of the kids (12 girls have been born into our family in the 11 years since he passed away) were playing in the front yard and as I was walking up the steps and the front walk to the porch,  I turned to look and there was Stan standing in the yard up near the corner where the 2 roads meet just watching the kids play.  He just lifted his hand and waived at me.  I went running onto the porch and waved through the window to where my sister Carolann was sitting at the kitchen table with some others and I was motioning for her to come outside.  By the time she came outside he was gone.  I told her about what I had seen at the Derby and just then in the yard and she told me I must have been dreaming.  We both went inside and picked up the newspaper that was laying there because the front page had an article about the Derby.  On the front cover was a picture of me talking to the Derby worker.....and behind us in the background was Stan. 

So not once, but 3 times in my dream he was there.  I knew at the time I was dreaming but I just kept hoping I wouldn't wake up and the dream just kept going.  I was in tears when I told Bill about it the next morning....and I am getting a little choked up now.  It was so real, I could feel him hugging me and that ornery wink was so classic Stan.  Bill said it was just his way of letting me know he's there, he's fine, he's enjoying the view from the good seats and that's he's watching over all the kids.

This past year with the help of my Uncle John and Aunt Melissa we conspired to make a memory DVD of Grandpa as a surprise gift for the family for Christmas.  Together we viewed over 20 hours of old family movies Grandpa had taped, countless photos and selected the perfect songs.  My talented brother-in-law combined all of the raw footage, photos and music and produced the most amazing hour-long "highlights" DVD.  As a family, we sat together on New Years Day and watched the movie.  We laughed and cried and remembered all of the wonderful treasures and gifts that Grandpa gave to each one of us.  I love that I can pop in the  DVD anytime I want and see his face and hear his voice.  It's no substitute for the real thing, but between that and our memories and dreams, I fondly remember the many wonderful times we had together and try not to be (too) sad about the years we've missed together.  Just like I hope the dream represents, he's always around watching and enjoying the view. 

While doing our DVD project last year I found this picture of Grandpa from one of our fishing trips to Rock Lake, Canada in July 1994. I'd like to think that this year on Father's Day he's just like this picture.  Catching a quick cat-nap at the edge of a peaceful lake after a successful morning of fishing.   Happy Father's Day Grandpa.

 

Temper Tantrums

Temper Tantrums.  ICK!  Just those 2 words can make any parent cringe.  Even if we don't have kids, we've all witnessed the doozies in various stores, restaurants, etc.  There are your garden-variety tantrums....and then there are the knock-down-drag-out kind that just make you go crazy.  Kids throw temper tantrums for various reasons:  they are tired, they are bored, they are scared, they just don't know any better/their parents just don't care.  When I see such tantrums I always try to do 2 things:  #1 don't further escalate the issue by staring or drawing further attention to the situation and #2 don't judge the situation because you really don't know what is happening.

I take pride in the fact that my girls are very well-behaved in public.  We get countless compliments from complete strangers on how good they are, how well mannered, very attentive, etc.  I commented in an early blog post that our lives revolve around schedules.  More than just schedules, 4 things in fact:  schedules, structure, organization and expectation.  I believe my girls are extremely equip to handle public places and experiences.  They know what it means to be well-behaved and they know what is expected of them.  If I see signs that they are wearing down, getting overly tired, etc I know to change the setting or make ready to leave before things get to be too much for them.  I am happy that my girls are not temper-tantrum kids.

Until.  Today. 

The girls started swim lessons today.  I thought I was saving myself the headache and aggravation by enrolling Maya & Riley in the Pre-school Pike class and then enrolling Teagan in the Parent/Child swim which coincided with the older group.  This means only one trip to the Y each week (and when you have a 27 min drive each way, that is a plus).   We spent the weekend in Indianapolis visiting Aaron and spent a great deal of time on Saturday swimming with the girls in the pool.  They are very comfortable around water and love to "swim".  We were really talking-up the start of lessons this week and they were so excited.  This morning over breakfast they couldn't wait to get into their suits and head out.  We got to the pool and they were practically dancing around waiting for them to open the pool doors.  They were good sitting on their towels during roll call and meeting the instructor.  I watched them walk hand-in hand to the edge of the water and sit with their feet in the water.  Watched them sit on the pool steps and start to get wet.  And Teagan and I started her lesson.  And all of that fun, calm and excitement.....lasted 10 minutes.  They spotted me on the other side of the pool in the water with Teagan and, pardon me, but all hell broke loose.  They were not happy, and these shrill screams erupted and everyone in the pool area knew they weren't happy.  All three classes!!  Their teacher had to come get me because they had climbed out of the pool and wandered away from the class. (Side note, I DO NOT THINK that 12 kids and ONE instructor and one parent helper is enough, especially when they are 3 & 4 years old).  So I had to get Teagan out of the pool and go try to calm them down and rejoin the class.  Nope, weren't having any part of that.  I took them from the pool back into the locker room, calmed them down some and as soon as we got back poolside, they just started all over again.  For about 20 seconds I was ready to wrap them all into towels and just leave.  Obviously they were disrupting 3 different classes.  Obviously their instructors weren't able to control the situation.  Obviously the 2 lifeguards standing there weren't doing anything.....other than totally shooting me dirty looks.  OH NO, why today of all days do they decide to throw the ultimate tantrum?!

Then, instead of embarrassed or worried I decided that my kids need to learn to swim!  We live less than 100 yards from the edge of a lake.  Swimming is a skill they need.  Swimming is a necessity for safety.  I had to quickly realize they were simply out of their element.  This was something very new to them.  They were in a group with older kids that had obviously taken lessons before they they just didn't know what to do.  So, in the fashion of "sink or swim" I just handed them back to the teacher and helper and Teagan and I walked away back to her lesson.  Oh, they continued to cry, kick, scream, howl....you name it.  And everyone saw it and heard it.  They got back into the pool and went through the drills, crying the whole time.  Teagan missed half of her lesson while I was trying to calm them down.

And then Teagan's not-so-subtle-teacher "suggested" that maybe I switch classes so that the girls don't see me.  Sure, I am quite positive that was a large part of the problem.  But, as I mentioned I live 27 min ONE WAY from the Y (because the local pool 9 min away won't do pre-k swim lessons).  It's not very feasible to me to drive more than one day/week.  Plus, I would have no where to leave Maya & Riley when I am in the water with Teagan for 30 min.  I talked to their instructor who said just bring them back next week and we'll give it another try.  I appreciate her attitude.  Obviously having such a young group she is used to this.  There was another boy there just as upset.  (So again, 2 adults to 12 kids and THREE of them are upset......). 

On the drive home I was really upset.  Trying to figure out how to rearrange schedules to make it work.  I need the girls to go to lessons and like the atmosphere and want to learn.  I want them to understand that it's not OK to act like that and it's better just to "go with the flow" and try it.  I want it to be a positive experience for all of us and I want them to be excited about going back.  They have already adamantly told me they are not returning to class next week.  I can't let them quit or give up one session in.  That's not a good attitude and not a good example. 

While I know that my kids won't always be those adorable, polite little darlings in public I had sure hoped that they wouldn't be the temper tantrum tag-team.  I would have hoped that a few of those other moms and Y staff would have been a little more sympathetic and a little less critical with their looks.  So I am feeling slightly defeated and a little sad that this wasn't a better experience for them.  As parents we only want good things for our kids, but as adults we know that nothing comes easy and it takes lots of practice.  I don't want my girls to be miserable while at swim lessons because I don't want to instill a fear of water in them.  It's one of those tricky, thin lines we walk as parents.  I am trying not to beat myself up too much and really trying not to be angry at them for being so disruptive and upset.  We'll figure it out and make it work.  It's just going to come down to sink or swim.

And I hope swimming wins!

Personality PLUS!

Every family has one.  The comedian.  The crack-up kid.  The one that makes you shake your head and roll your eyes (in a good way).  Not to knock Maya & Riley, but in our family our crazy one is Teagan.  She has the cute-ornery factor going big time!  She makes friends with complete strangers in stores, restaurants, libraries.....she would honestly go home with the Wal-Mart greater if I let her.  She is the kid that picks up on everything you say (watch the swearing daddy) and has a style all her own. 

Teagan turns TWO next Monday.  I look at hear and listen to the stories she tells and I wonder how is she just two, she seems so much bigger.  Then I look at her and think of the little bundle that used to sleep in the cradle next to my bed and swear she is only 3 weeks old.  She's got a zest for life, a wild streak and a simple sweetness that just makes you want to hug and kiss her all day long!  She is messier than Maya and Riley were combined and boy is she STUBBORN!!  She will sit on her sisters' heads until they cry and then hug them and say "it's all right".    She never ceases to amaze me with what she remembers or can do.  She will take the world by storm, I am sure. 

So, I am sure she will someday hate me for the torture I am about to put on here....but then again she'll probably think it's awesome. 

To our little TT, may you always have a style that is your own, the confidence to follow your heart and the ability to crack people up!!

She pretty much starts every day this happy!! 

And we like to "dress" for meals around our house.

And when we don't dress for meals, well then someone has to find their own means of entertaining themselves (yogurt....yum!!!).  I am sure she's actually singing here.

The Crack-Up Kid!!!!  Only my kid comes to "work" with mommy in the office wearing a Santa hat, pink snowflake mittens & sunglasses in June. 

Back to School

Nearly everyone I know is now doing the dance of joy for the glorious summer break is now here!  Students (and parents) relieved that homework can be forgotten for a few months.  Teachers glad that lesson plans and grading papers can be shelved til late August.  Schools closed up.  Buses parked in garages.  The next school year is but a distant thought in every one's minds.

Well, not at the Spencer house!  Maya and Riley are SO excited to finally be starting school in the fall.  I am blessed that I have children that have a thirst for knowledge, they just drink up everything they can.  I am fortunate that they view learning as fun and use pretty much every opportunity they can to try and learn something new.  In just 3 short months, Maya and Riley will be full-fledged pre-kindergartners and then there will be no stopping them.  A lot of people ask me if I'll be sad to see them go.  I hope that I am half as excited as they are.  I am ready for them to continue to explore the world around them and to take the opportunities to learn from other adults and their peers.

We use the time we have for fun and games, but luckily they can turn pretty much anything into fun and games.  So while not putting pressure on them to pick stuff up, we are using these last few months of summer to continue to learn and grow. 

Here are some fun things we've been working on lately:

EVERY CHANCE they get, they read!  Even if it means stopping right inside the front door!  Thanks Anna for all of the great, new books!

Riley practicing tracing/writing her letters.  She LOVES this and is very good (still working on a better way to hold the Crayon!)

The girls have known & used their alphabet for years.  They love flash cards and like putting cards in order forwards and backwards. It is not uncommon to have cards strung end-to-end across the whole living room floor.

Their newest fascination is with days of the week and months of the year.  Channeling my inner teacher, I made a weekly calendar.  The girls put up the days of the week and then each day add what the weather is outside and if we have any special events (a holiday, a birthday, etc).  Today was Monday, June 4 and it was partly sunny.  They are SO pumped about this!

So I know that in not too many years my girls will also be doing the dance of joy that school is out for summer.  They'll be doing the chant "no more homework, no more books.."  But I know they'll keep drinking in what's around them.  Practicing what they've learned and working on new adventures.  I am excited to learn and grow right along with them. 

Thank you to the countless teachers, educators and administrators I know.  You deserve the next few months of freedom!!   Enjoy summer break!

Juggling

A day is one big juggling act.  Trying to fit 32 hours of stuff into a 24 hour period of time.  No matter how you look at it, it just isn't happening.  Sort, shuffle & sacrifice is about the only way to make it all happen in any given day.  The old saying "don't put off til tomorrow what could be done today" certainly DOES NOT apply to a mom of 3 active pre-school/toddlers.

So I have become a fairly skilled juggler.  Keeping track of kids, cooking, cleaning, errands, financials (personal and business), social events/obligations, miscellaneous activities and a little personal time sure makes for a lot of balls in the air.  I guess to do it all (well???) there has to be a system.  But in order for the system to work, there are well defined categories.  The "mom" balls, the "wife" balls,  the "family" balls (a separate category than mother & wife), the "household" balls, the "fiduciary" balls (work), the "essential" balls and the "personal" balls.  I guess I laid it all out right there.....pretty much in order of how I set my priorities.  My kids first, foremost and forever.  I guess know Bill understands that the girls come before everything, even him and US.  So the biggest ball in the air for me are the girls and the essentials involved in raising healthy, happy, caring and socially responsible people.  Our marriage and family unit are no less important, but are a lot more self-sufficient and will take a little less maintenance simply because as adult we understand what comes first.  So that ball is a little smaller.  Household responsibilities and finance/fiduciary are pretty much tied.  It's hard to do the 1st without the second.  Gotta work to have money to buy food, pay the utilities to wash clothes, clean the house (you get it).  A little smaller ball yet again.  You'd  think essentials would be the largest ball, but ever since becoming a parent you surprise yourself with the amount of things you can do without.....and sleep is one of them.  So that's a little smaller, a little lighter ball.  The the tiniest ball of all is the one labeled "personal". 

And it seems like once you finally get into a rhythm and keeping track of all the balls you have in the air, a gust of wind comes along and scatters them everywhere.  And when you think of what's the easiest to scatter....the smallest, lightest balls go first.  The things to go first in our schedules are the personal things that we may enjoy, but CAN be put off.  I love scrapbooking, but I am currently 11 months behind on the memories I want to preserve.  I have scheduled time that I meet with some friends every other month only because they understand as well that while friendship and fun are vital for keeping us sane, we are all busy women that have more important responsibilities.  I want to work out to be the healthiest I can be for myself and my family, but that means I give up an hour of sleep 5 days/a week so I can workout at 5 am.  Laundry, dishes and bills often pile up until the end of the day and after the girls are in bed I stay up late to finish.   Bill and I have "date time" MAYBE once every 3-4 months.  Hey, I love writing this blog, but it's been over a week simply because of all the other balls I've had in the air.

But at the end of the 24-hour day I have, I am proud to say that the biggest ball in the air is still going.  The winds may have tried to blow it around, but I am resilient in my priorities.  I know that my kids know they are loved.  I know somewhere down the road it won't be ALL about them.  But for right now they are more important than everything else I have up in the air.  They don't care if there are still breakfast dishes in the sink at noon or if I am still carrying around 5 extra pounds of  baby weight after 2 years.  They have no idea that I fold clothes til 11 pm or frantically clean bathrooms, take out trash and mop floors during their naps.  They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and take all of those balls and start juggling.  But I always toss up the largest first.  That's the one that is the most important to get started in the right direction.  The rest will fall into line as they are supposed to.  Up in the air, round and round they go.  The best part is, the largest ball is the easiest to see.  It's the ever present reminder of what is most important.  Bar none!  

DIY Parenting

Parenting.  Let's face it, when we start out, we're all amateurs.  We spend the better part of 40 weeks reading books and blogs, taking classes, watching DVDs and talking to friends that do have kids all to prepare us for the little miracles that enter our lives.  And then....let's face it......all of that preperation doesn't do squat!!!  We are Do-It-Yourselfers.  I don't recall having any of those "experts" on child rearing at my door at 3 am to help feed the twins.  Or no PhD in Early Childhood developement arrived to counsel us on having a 3rd child while trying to adjust the twins to a new sibling and a move at the same time.

I quickly learned that I didn't have time to keep up with books telling me how to be a parent.  BEING a parent was much more time consuming.  Learning to adjust to put the needs of others before EVERYTHING else.  Before being a spouse, a friend, an indivual we are forever a parent.  Gone are the carefree days of doing what you want or doing nothing at all.  You are forever on-call for those little darlings.  We have to make schedules that work for us and that work with our exsisting lives.  Being a new mom to Maya and Riley was a little work and a lot fun everyday....and then Bill went back to work and the extra family left....and I looked around one day and said "well girls, it's just the 3 of us."  We made do, we are all still standing.  And we were just crazy enough to do it again.  Teagan joined the mix and we adjusted to make room for her and found that we did it a little faster this time, with a little less effort. 

Like most DIY projects you start out dabbling here, practicing there.  You may find that there are areas you really excel at, and others that constanly need tweaked.  Unlike a home repair project or fixing a car, most of us can't call in an expert to do the parenting work for us.  Admittedly I have help of a part-time sitter for the girls, and all working parents have to provide some sort of care plans for their kids, but I don't expect that person to do something for my kids that I don't do myself.  No two kids are alike, especially in the same family.  While we have structure and expectations, certainly our girls are becoming individuals and want and WILL do things in their own way. 

As permanent DIY parents we keep practicing our skills.  Most of us will never be a master-craftsman at parenting.  We spending each and every day learning.  Learning about our kids.  Learning from our kids.  Perhaps the most interesting thing about being a parent is what we learn about ourselves from our kids. 

Maybe years from now my girls will come to me when they are about to become a mother for the first time.  Maybe they will desperately seek my advice.  Maybe they'll think they have it all figured out.  The only advice I'll be able to give them (from one DIYer to another) is:   "Never stop practicing.  Never stop learning and growing.....with your children and for your children.  Never expect perfection, of your kids or of yourself.  Love unconditionally.  The rest you'll just figure out as you go."    I wish I had read a book during those first 35 weeks of pregnancy that had said just those few things.  The rest, well, we'll just do ourselves.

Birthdays through the years

Well, as far as birthdays go, 35 isn't so bad!  Thinking back to what I was doing during the previous decades of birthdays....

At 5 I was probably having a family party and maybe got a new bike.
At 15 I was thinking, enough with the bikes, another year and I get my license and a car!
At 25 I was thinking, enough with the car, time to find a DD and head out for dinner and a few drinks after work with friends.
And at 35.....well my day goes a little something like this:

• Alarm off at 5 am for working out....upon realizing I am TOOOOOO sore (or too old) after landscaping for 2 days straight, I reset the alarm for 6.  (Good news is that my glutes, hamstrings, quads and hips get a few days off this week!)
• 6:12 AM I am joined in bed by Maya & Riley.  They snuggle for a minute, then proceed to wiggle around for another 15.  Finally at 6:30 I reluctantly roll out of bed for the shower.
• I am joined in the bathroom a few minutes later by Maya announcing "PRESENTS ARE ON YOUR BED!!!!!!!!!", then she climbs on the potty and sings "Happy Birthday" to me.  YEA!
• Maya and Riley open the cards and presents, hey whatever!
• Breakfast is a struggle to get into everyone, they think the birthday cake comes first thing in the morning.
• Trying to decide what to do with our day I ask the girls what they want to do for fun:  "Play with Ms. Ann" is their reply.  Ms. Ann is the nanny!!  G R E A T!!
• Planning what to do fun for myself today:  laundry?  Wash the hardwood floors?  Run to the store and buy tags to start getting ready for the garage sale I decided to have this weekend? 
• Planning the birthday dinner.....Bill asked if I wanted him to grill something.  Upon looking at the radar I was deciding if I wanted to put him through getting soaked while making a bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin.....hmmmm...  Well, I told him if I was planning the meal it was a carb-fest.  (Love me some carbs!!!!!).  So, Spinach Ricotta Lasagna Roll ups or perogies?!?!  (The later means he cooks!).  Well, maybe that means my glutes, hamstrings, quads and hips WON'T get a few days off! 
• Hoping the girls all nap good this afternoon!  Hopefully the rains help.  This lady could use an hour to herself to catch up on DVR, tag items for the garage sale, do some work in the office.  You know....TOTALLY FUN STUFF!
• We'll have a nice family dinner.  Get the girls into jammies, say our prayers, read our stories and lights out.  Maybe Bil and I will sit on the back deck overlooking the lake and have a birthday cocktail (I have a new recipe for a birthday martini I've been wanting to try).  Of course that means a trip to the grocery this morning for alcohol...and when you go at 10:30 in the morning with 3 kids in tow, they look at you a little funny!  ;-)

Well, what's a birthday girl to do?  It may not be the most glamorous birthday, but it's my day.  That's just the way I want it and so far it's pretty darn good.  I suppose a lot of people may freak out about being SOLID in the middle of their mid-thirties, but I figure I am wiser and better prepared for life and all that it throws at me.  I just caught a brief segment of Live with Kelly.  Cameron Diaz was on and she was talking about how we don't give age enough respect.  Too many people are caught up on the superficial and way we look.  Not enough people appreciate what being older means. 

Today means I am surrounded by the people that matter most in my life.  The little people that give me presents every day, even when it's not my birthday.  A loving husband that WOULD stand in the rain grilling me pork-tenderloin if that's what I wanted.  Friends that I can celebrate with, even though we are separated by great distances.  And more wishes come true than I could ever hope for.  Happy Birthday to me!