Missing out

Is it just me, or do you feel like you are missing out?  Missing out on something you do not have.  Something you want or need, or think you want or need.  Is it just me, or does anyone else have no clue what is missing?

Admittedly, I we have a wonderful life.  Four beautiful children.  Wonderful families.  Supportive friends.  Strong faith.  Reasonably good health.  Comfortable home.  Ability to make a good living.  Freedoms and liberties.  Hobbies that interest us.  And so many other blessings, far too many to name here.  So why on earth would I feel like something is missing?

The past few months I have had this unexplainable feeling that I am missing something in my life.  Not necessarily our lives, but something personal and meaningful to me.  I keep thinking of the blessing I have listed above and I consider the time it takes to manage all of that and I wonder what on earth could be left...and if I had "it" where would I fit "it" in?  My children, husband and home come first and foremost in my life.  That is the reason we decided before the girls even arrived that I would stay home to raise them full time.  I am so lucky that we are able to do that, for me and for them.  So it's not necessarily that I want to go back to work right now.  I would find it far too difficult to work around the girls' transportation schedule with school and I feel it would be far more frustrating than it's worth.  Because in spite of the days I have hair-pulling frustration, I cherish the time I spend with the girls.  It's not like I want to go back to school to change careers, I am not using the history degree I have as it is.  I hesitate to add something too drastic to our lives at this point.  I can already see the impact just the addition of school 3 days/week has had for our family.  Teagan was about 95% potty trained as of Labor Day.  However in the past 6 weeks she had regressed to the point of having multiple accidents a day and at times outright refusing to even try.  And I feel partly to blame because I am pulled in one more direction than I was before, and it disrupted our routine, and I feel like Teagan is the one suffering (kind of a strong word here)....but more I feel my floors and furniture may be suffering!  I love having the days to take them to the park when it's 70 degrees in October or to be able to participate in their school activities and take them to gymnastics  So, again, I hesitate to make a change at this point. 

I hate to say I am looking for something more fulfilling.  I guess I've been more frustrated I can't figure out what I want.   Someone told me not so long ago that what we need the most is often right in front of us, it just takes that "ah ha" moment to realize it.  I guess I have to realize there will never be a "good" time to introduce too much change to our lives, so if I am looking for something, I need to quit making excuses and just figure "it" out already. 

This week's course work in the James bible series we are studying with Beth Moore may have started to deliver a little insight and get me closer to that "ah ha" moment.   Beth writes "...all of us, no matter how much we have, desire something we don't.  Something that doesn't seem unreasonable.  Something that others in eyeshot appear to have."  As we begin our study on the 4th chapter of James, we focus on the inherent dangers of desire in our lives and the negative effect it has on our relationship with God.  Hey, it's not like I am missing out or looking for bags of money, a larger house, fancier cars......  We are asked to explore why desires & cravings resonate with us....and my answer that I wrote lay right in front of me in blue ink on the page....because of what I long for, I am cautious of what else in my life will suffer because I want both.  "Have you asked God?", Beth challenges.  At this point, I have to finally admit what I know is missing.  I want more free time/me time, but then I give up time with my family.  I want more time to blog, catch up on scrap booking or reading, and then the laundry piles up and I see dust on the furniture.  I want an extra 30 min/day to exercise...so I give up sleep...or shove it in between time in the office and making dinner.  Dear Lord, is that too much to ask?

"AH HA"....and it finally hit me this morning at 5:45 when the house was quiet and I am alone in the basement working out..... if I had only given up the worry and looking for "it" these past several months I would have realized what "it" was.  I don't have to make a desperate, deliberate change to our lives or schedules.  The time I spend each day/week looking for what I want could be spent on the simple things listed above that I know I like to do.  The things that do help fulfill me and make me a happier, more well rounded person.  A better mommy and wife.    A lighter spirit willing to accept the goodness God has given me and even more thankful for the blessing listed above. 

"AAAHHHHHH----HHHHAAAAAAA"......today I have already accomplished two of the things I wished I had more time to do, working out and blogging.  And maybe I'll make it a point to do that at least 5 days this week.  And maybe next week I'll let a little bit of the "guilt" go of spending time with the girls and doing loads of laundry and call the babysitter to see if she wants to come for an extra day for a few hours and I'll disappear into my office and I'll knock out a whole bunch of scrap booking. 

So if you're missing something, take the time to figure out what "it" is for you.  I hope it's something simple and you have the means to be able to make it work for you.  And maybe "letting go and letting God" is all it takes to make you realize you had it all along. 

Wishing you a Blessed day!